Baltimore Satire News Report

- BREAKING NEWS - BREAKING NEWS - BREAKING NEWS - BREAKING NEWS -

*white news anchor sits behind desk shuffles papers and addresses camera*

Susie- Well, it seems we have a breaking story about the violence happening in Baltimore right now. Tim is there on the scene, good evening Tim.

Tim- Good evening, I am here in the streets of Baltimore where there have been violent protests all day. So far a few police officers have been injured. This is incredibly unfortunate, I just can't believe that these protesters are being SO violent. Did you know that a window had been broken?? A WINDOW. It was BROKEN. And at what cost? Susie?

Susie- I mean I just don't understand why everyone is so riled up, it's not like any of them have been injured-
*pauses to listen to earpiece*
Well...  I mean no one has been KILLED is what I'm saying *nervous laughter*
*earpiece*
Oh... But SURely multiple people haven't been killed I mean- this protest is SENSELESS, there is no reason-
*earpiece*
...oh ...   Back to you in the studio Tim.

Tim- well... um... You know what's American?? Baseball! And guess what? Because of these crazy spontaneous protests, our BASEBALL IS BEING CANCELLED. Hear that? CANCELLED. It's being closed the public. For the first time ever! If any thing is umamerican it's these protests that are stopping our baseball!

Susie- I just hope these protesters soon see the light. I mean they are defiantly overreacting completely. And I mean, I'm NOT a racist! I support blacks! I know a lot! See, I know about MLK. You know what MLK would say in this situation? He didn't like violence! You protesters are going against the ways of MLK. And you say I'M racist.

Tim- That's so true Suzie, so true. As a white person i'm sure I understand systematic oppression better than anyone, and I would know that the protesting and rock throwing is incredibly uncalled for. I'm praying for all of it to end.